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In this article we will talk about the Domination and Submission their correlation and roles of people, who choose one of the sides.

Domination and Submission in BDSM

Domination and Submission in BDSM
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People often try to use concepts of animalistic life in the course of BDSM relations. This is shown in the correlation between Dominant-Submissive where the power of Dom makes him an alpha-male (or female.) Even more frequently society uses a cliché of well-known Mr. Gray, a wealthy businessman, to get the image of a typical Top. “Topness” and “Botness” are used to describe people and their features. That is where you get the question like: “How to understand Top on the street?” or “How to recognize Dominant in your university’s mentor?”. Those who have only entered BDSM-community claim: “We are Tops for life” and get confused when see bored grins on the faces of the others. There is a strong difference between inequality in vanilla and BDSM. Such inequality may be:

Socially conditioned subordination is based on relationships in society. It can be both voluntary (employee-employer relations, for example), and provided with some external requirements (law, army discipline, etc.) These relations, in fact, are the relationship between social functions. This is not an interpersonal relationship. And they depend little on the personal qualities of the participants. Personal qualities at the same time only adjust the forms of subordination and (in the case of the voluntary establishment of such relationships) allow one of the participants to exit them.

Domination and Submission in BDSM: Who is the Master?

1. Who is the Master?

Psychologically conditioned submission is based on the psychological qualities of the participants in the relationship: their leadership qualities, psychological "hardness", mental level, etc. The correlation of these qualities in specific people allows you to determine who in this case will be the Boss. Such relationships are established in a natural way, in the process of human interaction and do not require efforts to maintain them. They take place, for example, in a family where the leadership of one of the spouses, either explicitly or implicitly, almost always manifests itself.

Value-based subordination is based on the personal (and "interpersonal") values of specific people entering relationships. These values can be relations themselves or the identity of the particular person with whom these relations are built or general religious and other "transpersonal" values, etc. Examples of value-based relationships of subordination are the DS relationship in BDSM and the institution of mentors and novices existing in some religions. Despite the fact that the values that serve as the basis for such relations, in the examples given are fundamentally different, there is a number of features common to all value-conditioned relationships.

Domination and Submission in BDSM: The power of being Sub

2. The power of being Sub

First of all, the basis of relations are values, not psychological qualities or social relationships. In addition, such relations are characterized by the following.

  • People enter such unequal relations voluntarily and consciously, realizing these relations as a "right" (for them) way of life. Just like psychologically conditioned relations, these relations "form themselves" - but for their implementation and constant maintenance they require a conscious decision and an application of the efforts of both participants.
  • Such relationships require great psychological strength, not only from the "leader", but from both parties of the relationship. This also differs from psychologically conditioned submission. To consciously subordinate yourself, you need the strength of the spirit no less than to dominate someone.
  • At the same time, neither the social status of the participants in such relations, nor the quality of the character determine the internal content of these relations, they do not determine who will be the "Master" and who – the "Slave". The softness or rigidity of the character, for example, is not related to the value and importance of the person in the relationship. Social position doesn’t determine the internal ability to help another person to change oneself in the direction that he/she desire.
  • In the process of relations, both participants develop a psychological dominant, which determines for them the priority of the values on which the relationship is based. In the case of DS-relations, this dominant should be called the dominant of belonging.
  • The psychological qualities of participants and social conditions can correct value-based relationships, influencing their external forms. The deeper the participants are personally involved in the relationship, the less this influence, and the greater the role of the psychological dominant emerging in the process of relations.

The fact that relations are built on the basis of common values does not mean any "elitism" or a special "spirituality" of BDSM-couples. The underlying personal values of individuals can not be recognized as a criterion for others.

Domination and Submission in BDSM: You are the Dominant of my Dreams3. You are the Dominant of my Dreams

The above characteristics of the three types of unequal relations make it possible to understand their difference. BDSM relationships don’t have Top or Bot - these words have nothing to do with either the social role of partners or their qualities. The relationship of voluntary transfer of rights does have analogues in vanilla life, but this is not a "traditional family", where the man is the Leader because of social traditions and this is certainly not the army unit.

What are the qualities that BDSM-partners should have in order to build stable relations? Next, we will talk about DS relationships, but all of the above is true for other relationships in any BDSM couple.

1. Positioning. It is necessary to understand that the positioning in BDSM differs from the role in vanilla couples. Dominant is, most cases, Top, but there are many examples of Dominants - switches. Submission is Bottom or switch again. The form of deviation development does not in any way affect the ability to build relationships and the value of these relationships for a partner. This is also true for DS – couples, in which there is no transfer of rights. Of course, in DS Dominant cannot be someone's Submissive, but can be a Botton or just a masochist. Similarly, a Submissive who transferred his rights to someone cannot be at the same time someone's Dominant, but nothing prevents him from being a BD Top or a sadist with others. And this once again shows the inconsistency of the arguments about "the Top for life".

2. Volitional powers - are equally necessary for both the Top and at the Bottom. Once again: being Bottom does not mean being weak and weak-willed. This applies to DS in the first place, but it is also true in any relationship in BDSM.

3. The ability to build relationships in couple is also needed equally for both partners. Although the Dominant makes decisions, their implementation is ensured by joint efforts.

4. Does Top need leadership qualities? People unfamiliar with our Idea consider this feature to be the Leader for the Dominants not Subs. Meanwhile, this is easily refuted by the well-known fact: the number of successful managers of different levels among the Dominants is about the same as among the Submissives. Leadership qualities are by no means necessary for the Dominant. Methods of building a relationship in a couple (maintaining a comfortable state based on shared values) are very different from the methods of managing the team (the ability to organize people for the sake of performing certain tasks). It is similar for submissive: the ability to organize and stimulate people can be present, one can be a good leader, or maybe not. It does not affect the quality of relations.

5. Is social success important? Wealth, power, place in society - in the same way do not affect the relationship within the BDSM and are not binding for any of the participants in this relationship. The owner of a large firm can be a Sub, and a modest accountant or engineer - Dominant. And maybe vice versa. First, in human society a person's position does not depend on any particular "dominance", but entirely on other things. And secondly, this provision is in no way connected either to the characteristics of sexual behavior, or a comfortable relationship for a person in a couple.

Domination and Submission in BDSM: I obey you4. I obey you

As you can see, the five listed qualities are absolutely NON-INTERFERED with each other and can be combined in ANY variants. Any. In the thematic relations, only the first three are fundamental.

2018-03-29

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4 months ago

good article.